A friend asked me a question today. He said ,”why have you decided to stop calling me all of a sudden?” That to me is an interesting and direct question. One problem I have with direct questions is that they require direct answers which I find very uncomfortable. Direct answers tend to be blunt truths and for me, they are never an easy pill to swallow.
I am known to have one of the sharpest tongues for a mile. What people don’t know, is that I feel horrible about how deeply my bluntly blurted words cut through people. They slice through their hearts without mercy reducing them to tears like babies. For some lucky tough ones,the words leave them pensive for too long.
I learnt over time to sugar coat the truth just to make it a bit more palatable and less hurtful. The problem with that approach is that I end up not saying what I actually mean which in a way is quite frustrating. In the end, this turns all the hurt on me instead. I settled for this approach because of its subtlety, but it is unfortunately very exhausting ! I have also found it be extremely ineffective.
I have heard a lot about effective communication and have decided to embrace it. I feel like communication has to go beyond just talking. It also has to include acting appropriately in any given situation. For example, if I feel hurt by someone and feel like shutting them out, then I would. There is no use constantly hitting a brick wall. If the relationship is not working for me then I can just severe it. I invest a lot of energy in making a relationship work and feel like I also deserve to be treated better.It is definitely not too much to ask for! I am tired of being Mr nice guy. I have had to tolerate peoples’ excesses for too long. I even find myself justifyng “their” actions by making up excuses for “them”. Whereas, I do not even find any reciprocal attitude when it comes to me.
It turns out that tit-for-tat rule only works when people pay back hurt not when rewarding good. They just keep hurting me because they have become quite used to my non-reactive mode. Well hey! I have now made a policy U-turn like the Conservative government in the UK. I now act out what I feel. Sorry, but If you don’t like it, you lump it! You can close the door on your way out. I will rather be Billy –no-mates than have a “mate” like you who is really Billy -not -really -a –mate!
So yes, I stopped calling you because you are a friends who does not care. You are a friend who are so vain and only bothered about things that don’t add any substance to my life. You are a friend who does not care about anyone other than yourself. You are a friend who only contacts me for what you can get from me. I keep calling but you never return any of my calls. You are always too busy to hang out yet my door becomes “next-door” when you have a problem. My phone number is on redial when you are stuck and you need a mate. Well, my mind is made up and I now weed friends from my life who are grief vectors. You probably fall into that group along with many others. You can shut the door on your way out. Thanks but no thanks!
Do you know what the worst part is? On top of everything I have to deal with within my own life, I manage to crack a smile at strangers just to be polite and still get knocked back by their blank expressions! to walk past people on the hallway and smile at those I make eye contact with. Nothing hurts more than a blank face staring back at you like you are crazy or something. The irony is that these people who leave me feeling so uneasy have no clue that I am made so unhappy by their actions. I have now made a final resolution to cover that too! I shall henceforth keep my eyes straight and keep my “hello” to myself.
While I would like to carry on being nice regardless of the response attitudes, I still feel that being too nice is definitely a flaw. So I have decided to stop being Mr nice guy and just be normal . No “hello”, “hi” or ” what’s up”! . I shall just mind my own business from now on and that way I will hopefully stay in control of my feelings and not get hurt.
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