I feel absolutely disillusioned with my hair
This was meant to be a good idea. I lock my hair and live happily ever after. But that’s just not the case
Ok for starters, the lady locked my hair in sections that are not box like. The sections look like hand fans at the back and rectangles in front. I cannot understand why the sections in front differ from the ones at the back.
I hate that they are uneven. That’s the whole reason why I did not make the hair myself !
I kept telling her that the locks were small. She insisted that they will expand as the hair began to form the locks.
After drying the hair, she began snipping off the ends of my hair with a pair of scissors.
No warning…no notice…..
Just snip snip snippety snip!
What she did not realise was that with each snip, she tore at my heart.
I was in so much shock that I could not even react. She did not even offer me an explanation about why she had chosen to cut my hair. Instead she said she could have cut it shorter but would leave the length as it was…
This woman had assumed power over me. She was controlling how long or short my hair would be. Opon reflection now, I realise that she may not have meant it that way but it did not stop me feeling that way. If she had communicated with me beforehand, I am sure I would not have felt so helpless. She probably thought she was helping… exercising her expertise over me. She was probably doing right by my hair but the fact that her decisions about my hair were hers and not arrived at in partnership with me heightened my anxiety. I felt like I was losing control over something as important to me as my hair.
It was my own hair….It sat on my head and would determine my appearance. I do not customarily add any make up on my face to enhance my appearance.
Can you imagine why my hair was so important to me? Reducing the length of it was an absolute no-no. The dry wintery weather had reduced my hair length already so I definitely did not want to add any deliberate snips to the length… at least not without any warning.
Any error with my hair meant that I risked looking absolutely stupid!
She did not even appear to listen to anything I was saying and it was really sad.
So here I am this morning, grieving my hair, horrible sections and petrified by the fact that the locks will be potentially thin dread worms.
Now that’s sad. It just makes me feel so unlucky. Why do I always have to pass through emotional troughs just to gain new experiences?
That’s why I like to stick with things I know. Things with preset and certain pathways and outcomes are my forte. My anxiety is now heightened because I have absolutely no idea how this would go.
So this past week, I have spent more time in bed.
I keep staring at the mirror and fiddling with the hair.
Stupidly skinny dreadworms.
I just wished that I could actually remain in bed till the hair grew long or bulked up. This dreadlock business was turning out to be a very bad move. I could find absolutely no happiness. My self esteem and morale had nose dived. I had the hair tied in a scarf to work. I could not even bear to let anyone else see the hair in case they reinforced my fears.
“Hey the hair is so beautiful”, said John, my ray of sunshine
“Well I don’t like it”, I said trying to stop us from having yet another session about my hair.
“What’s up with the dread worms today? He asked.
“The sections are horrible, they are skinny, she cut my hair…..
“I don’t know why you are saying all this”, he said cutting me
“The hair is fine just leave it alone!” he snapped and I fell silent and withdrew back into my thoughts.
That’s it! I can’t even have a moan. I just feel stuck with this hair.
Why can’t I just remove it?
Well that will be £55 gone for starters. But worse than that, my hair has been cut short. I am not sure at this point which would depress me more. Unravelling the dreadworms and beholding my new short hair or persevering with these stupid locks.
I would also feel like a failure if I gave up on the hair after only a week. I needed to see this through at least till the 6-week mark that the stylist set me. Who knows, I might feel differently by then.even though I seriously doubt it.
As for the world, they have no clue how I feel inside. There is nothing worse than someone I am paying my hard earned money to making my hair in the way they think is best not in the way I want. It just makes me feel bullied. Then, when I try to say how I feel, people around me make me feel like a complaint minister.
So what do I do? Just suck it up. But do I really have to?
“Babe, come on let me take you out”, John said cutting through my thoughts like a knife.
“Stop thinking about this hair. I am so sorry if I sounded harsh but this hair really suits you. I wish you could see what I see”, he said.
With that I smiled at least week one was over.
To be continued.
Photo Credit Pixabay
Thank you for reading.
If you missed out on other parts of the popular “Dreadlocs or Not” series, you can catch up here.