I have just woken up and it’s 2am in the morning . The more I think about it, the more I realise that I have not just “woken up” as I would like to think. I have just been woken up by the sound of my husband purring into my ears. You know how they purr after the children have gone to bed and they have probably sat up most of the night beside you doing something or nothing? In fact I think they just draw you with their eyes until you can literally feel their need for you burn your skin till you wake up! Well, that type. I wanted him too but not in the way he thought. It was more in a cuddle me I am freezing kind of way which honestly would not have been the case if he pulled the duvet back on my body when it came off instead of doing whatever it is men like to do when their wives go to bed!
In the end, it turned out to be as eventful as always. However, here I am after all the groove not able to go back to sleep. It’s funny how the night feels so cold because the day was otherwise excruciatingly hot. You would not believe my African origin if you saw my exasperated look today during all the heat. It was not just the exhaustion and discomfort of the heat that struck me today, it was the feelings I experienced that were more interesting.
Unlike others, the peaking of summer today was tormenting for me. While many basked in the joy of having the long awaited summer, I grieved. As the heat hit my skin, I was just tired of still being here in this situation- urrghhh!. My son was still poorly in hospital and all I wanted was to take him home to enjoy the summer. The swings would have been better than doing the acrobatics he was limited to on his bed. Some fresh air in the park would have been nice for him. A roll in the sand would have been better rolling in his bed sheets. I just felt so frustrated like a child. I wanted to just screaaamm. I also wanted to cry and even run. I really wanted to be anywhere but here. Then I remembered I was not even the sick person. How was my boy even feeling, being here instead of in his safe haven- at home. Suddenly I became flooded by guilt. It felt like all my feelings were running riot. Each feeling popping up but being discarded as irrelevant almost in the same instant. It was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I just felt exhausted by the yoyoing going on inside me.
I had to remember as well as recite all my mantras. I needed to reach my core, my center, the depths of my soul. I had to find my inner peace… . The prayers and songs that always made me realise that as bad as things were with him, they could have been much worse were said. I still needed a distraction because try as I may, the thoughts just kept pouring in. I was not going to let them drown me. Never! So, I spent the next few hours dissipating my negative energy into a colouring book. It still ended up being a futile exercise because for a strangely odd reason, the pattern I created resembled an old wrapper (an African material tied around the body) that I once owned and hated! I knew I needed to take a break for a few moments.
It was time for plan B which never failed. It had been my go to plan every single time I felt stuck. I did it today as always….
I took a walk… A looooooong walk.
The beauty about walking was that it always felt exhilarating at the end (at least for me).
Procedure: Your legs just carry you. All you need is to put one foot in front of the other. In no time, you get lost in your own thoughts and start to sort them out in your head. The next thing you know, as you sweat and take in the nature around you, elation comes ever so slowly but surely. Then comes the turn of the happy hormones to get released by your brain making everything much lighter and better.
At least for me, this is always the case.
You see, I am only human like the rest of you and the nice weather unexpectedly triggered a recollection of lovely memories that I had once enjoyed but could not recreate immediately. I desperately wished and longed for the happier, more stable times. There was a sense of urgency attached to my need to escape the present and with each passing moment (of even hotter and steamier sunshine as the sun rays beamed down mercilessly), all I wanted was to make everything stop!!! My brain just fixated on these thoughts until I started to feel broken.
I started to go through my gratitude list in my head as I walked. Thanking God for all we had now and trying to replace the sadness and helplessness with gratitude for all I had. The beauty of a gratitude list is that after you have physically written down all that is going well in your life, and all you do is thank God for the items that make it to your list one by one, Even something as silly as being able to chew a very delicious bar of chocolate can make it to the list. Over time, you remember that list so easily even when you do not have the paper to hand. Yes… that’s because dwelling on your gratitude list always made you realise that for instance if you were sick or sicker than you are, you would not even manage to enjoy your life in its current state. So while i embarked on this walk, It helped become more appreciative of all I had and consciously tilt my focus away from the things I lacked. Soon enough, I started to feel a sense of calm. You know how I told you earlier that walking always saved me? It did just that yet again. I began to feel happy. ( I shall tell you all about how to make a gratitude list soon because it may be useful to you. Many clients seem to enjoy the exercise).
Anyway, I am back here again where I started at not so 2am-ish in the morning at my table still wondering how I woke up! Well, you now know why but it’s moments like today that strengthen my resolve to carry on. I know that because of the privileged role I play in many lives, there is the erroneous belief that I am never weighed down. We are all weighed down in one way or another. It’s life… but what we will not be is brought down by our circumstances. I am not different. What matters is the way we choose to pull ourselves up. It is easy sometimes to snap out of these moods. However, at other times, you feel like you literally have to pull yourself up. Just keep at it. Take a walk, go for a run if you have to. Just keep moving and don’t be stuck in a spot. Remember that life is like a bicycle, to move ahead you have to keep moving. You will only fall off your bicycle as soon as you stop moving. So even when you feel like stopping emotionally, just keep moving. Talking to yourself, praying, reminding yourself that everything will be better someday soon.
There is always something to be thankful for in our lives, Even with everything going the wrong way, we must never lose sight of the small mercies we can still enjoy within our circumstance. If you look around you then you will see that things could have been worse than they currently are. It is our human nature that keeps us wanting a better life. That is not a bad thing. We just need patience and perseverance sometimes to pull through difficult times. Remember that no condition is permanent. Stay strong wherever you are, hang in there because there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks for reading.
Photo Credit : Pixabay