Daily Archives: July 14, 2017


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  Caring for a loved one can be a fulfilling experience. The prospect of being the one that another individual looks up to for partial or total support can be rewarding. However after a while the novelty wears off. Suddenly the harsh reality about the unending nature of the now burdening role hits you. It is made worse especially when the loved one shows no signs of improvement. It can be an endless pull on an individual. The sad part is that carers can hardly confront these burdensome feelings without an equal weight of guilt. Pangs of guilt weigh them down each time they confronts their feelings of internal frustration. “Why should I feel this way?”, they think. “I must be a selfish person after all I am not the one who is poorly”. At other times another line of thought springs up; “I really have no right to feel this way because I am not the one who is sick”. Most times these feelings keep cropping up in their consciousness leaving them emotionally exhausted. It can feel like being carers means that their needs cease to matter. As though the needs of carers should take a nose dive in terms of relevance. I have been privileged to meet many carers who have expressed these same feelings at different times. In my experience, I have come to appreciate that although these feelings are common they are the least expressed. Carers are each alienated in their individual worlds and the mix of individual experiences as a result of this role, helps them find ways to suppress these feelings. On a short-term basis, it may be easy to bury those feelings somewhere within the carer until the need for providing care for the loved one seizes. This works only in instances where the loved ones get better and everyone lives happily ever after. Some of us are living our new lives as carers and each time we stay hopeful about having such outcomes, a new symptom resurfaces. We are then snapped back to the reality of the long-term nature of our roles in the lives of our loved ones. Sincerely, on the outside, and honestly most days, we do not complain. We carry on happily. Our abnormal lives become normal for us. In our respective homes we raised the bar for “normal”by the number of activities we become able to juggle more easily. Some of us complete record-breaking number of tasks daily. This in itself can produces a sense of fulfilment. On darker days, we remember ourselves. We are jolted back to the reality of the implication of the sacrifices we have had to make in order to be there for our loved ones. I call those dark days because for me, on those days all I can think of are the things I have missed out on in my life by being here for my son. The things I wish I could do, the things that continue to elude me. On those days I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I cannot get back out there to do something for me. I feel so aware that my dreams are not just impossible but also not feasible. At times meeting an old friend can remind us of things we used to do. Such meetings make us unconsciously compare the success and progress of friends and family with all our inabilities. This thought process tends to produce sadness… Somewhat of a sinking feeling. A yearning for a life we cannot have for as long as we remain carers for our children or loved ones. It’s important to pull ourselves out of these lines of thought. We can learn to focus on why our current roles as parents carers are also fulfilling. For starters, who else will care better for your loved one? Isn’t it a privilege that you are available to do so? You could have been unable to for many reasons and still felt unhappy. What if you became unwell, will you not expect another loved one to care for you? There’s no use beating yourself up about being the one stuck with caring for your loved one when you can enjoy your ability to be there for them. You can use the opportunity to show that you care and to pour out your love into them. It is helpful to think about the bigger picture of your role as a parent carer. It’s all about finding that point where your needs and that of your loved one are adequately met. Your needs matter too and must never be overlooked. You will find a way to meet your needs while accommodating the needs of your child or loved one who depends totally on you. One of the reasons I find that parents carers feel very frustrated in their new role is because they miss their old lives. They miss being able to do things in the ways they were used to for the became parents carers. Suddenly their lives are not theirs any more. They live for their children and lose themselves in doing so. They lose control of their time, associations and social networks, hobbies and activities that or add to the substance of their lives. All those things give a carers life more purpose. It makes them feel like they make a difference every day. Being able to control when and how these activities take place give the person a sense of control and a feeling of responsibility. Some of these activities pay the bills, provide resources for acquiring things or adding to the substance of that person’s life. In reality these activities give substance to one’s life not because of the activities themselves but because of what we are able to achieve as a result of performing them. Your job for example can give you a sense of purpose, make you feel responsible, help you feel in control of your life only because you let it. It’s all down to […]

Hospital Life: When caring for your loved one feels a bit too much